Tag Archive for children

The Pain of Discipline

Posted on June 30, 2016 by

discipline2I wasn’t ready, saints. I thought I had until my son at least turned one before having to deal with temper tantrums, but not so. One night while I was putting him down to sleep he got really fussy. I knew he wanted to nurse, but I didn’t give in to his demands because I knew he wasn’t hungry. Do you know what he did next? That adorable baby of mine threw his arms down with his little fists balled up and grunted loudly, frowning up his face at me. No he didn’t just give me attitude, I thought. A friend of mine joked, saying that the man inside him is standing up already. Well, I need that man to sit down–pronto! I’m sure you’re wondering how I handled that first surge of testosterone. I looked him straight in the eye with as stern a face as I could make and said “NO” with an even more stern tone of voice. I think he got the picture. The man inside him did actually sit down, at least for the moment, because his frown softened, he stopped grunting, and he went on to sleep.

That was my first encounter with disciplining my son, and it wasn’t so bad. Honestly though, I have mixed feelings about my son’s first spanking.

On one hand I’m looking forward to proving to the world and to myself that I’m no pushover when it comes to my child. I also want my son to know that like Homie the Clown, mommy don’t play that. But on the other hand, I am not looking forward to picking up a belt and making him cry. I don’t think any parent looks forward to it. But some people I know seem to spank with ease. Lord knows I will need help with this. The Lord who is my help, knowing just what I need has provided his Word as a source of instruction and comfort.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Before my son was born I was adamant about me being a better disciplinarian than my husband because of my teaching experience. But now that I see that adorable little face I have to pray for the strength to do what needs to be done on that blessed day when Gabe makes a poor decision (and he will) that warrants the rod of correction.  Lord, Jesus be a belt and a box of Kleenex for me afterwards. Nevertheless, no matter how undesirable discipline is to the giver and the receiver, it MUST be done. Here’s why.

Proverbs 22:15                                                                                                              Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

AND

Proverbs 29:15
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.
I may not get many Amens on this one, but the Word is the Word. Our children are bound to do foolish things in life. That’s a part of growing up, but I REFUSE to be brought to shame as his m
other. Many parents make the mistake of trying to befriend their child, which makes parenting their child a catch 22. They worry that the child won’t like them if they correct them. I can understand that ” friend verses disciplidisciplinenarian” relationship as a school counselor. My role on my job is to be a student’s adult friend so to speak. I try to make them feel comfortable enough around me to tell me anything, and for the most part they do because I do not handle discipline in the way an administrator would. Because of that, I have to be really careful not to carry that same mentality home to my own child. I just love it that Gabe loves and even likes being around me, but at the end of the day I would rather he respect me.
In preparation for respect training camp here are a few discipline do’s that I hope to maintain.

Do keep my word. I will try my best to prove to my son that I am a woman of my word and that I follow through. Therefore, I will make every effort not to make promises that I cannot and have no intentions of keeping, particularly when disciplining him. For example, if he does something inappropriate, instead of giving idol threats that may tempt someone to call DSS (use your imagination here) or threatening to cancel the birthday party that I spent lots of time and energy planning, I will correct him with a punishment that is realistic and that fits the crime.

Do keep my cool. As much as my son’s behavior may have an impact on my mood at times, I will try my best not to discipline him when I am angry. That kind of goes back to keeping my word. If I say that I will send him to his room or spank him for doing something wrong, I need to do just that if he decides to continue the behavior before I allow my agitation to flare up. Letting him push the envelope over and over again only grinds my gears the more, and if I’m frustrated I probably won’t do much of the next discipline do, which is…

Do keep teaching. I will try to use discipline as an opportunity to teach, meaning that a spanking should be preceded by a conversation about the behavior and what would have been more acceptable. At times that conversation needs to be focused on what the Word of God says about the behavior. Showing him that obeying me is also obeying God may prove to be more impactful and hopefully encourage his relationship with the Father to deepen. To keep teaching I will also be intentional about modeling appropriate behavior in front of him. That means that the things I may normally do or say before thinking will need to be adjusted for his sake. I am not saying that I will pretend to be superhuman in front of my son, but I am saying that in my effort to practice responding better to upsetting stimuli, I may actually permanently change my reaction to upsetting stimuli. So he benefits by seeing a good example, and I benefit by improving my attitude. We both win!

I know that there will be lots more opportunities to train him as he ages, and I am determined to do it according to God’s standards. It may be hard at times, and I may have my mad-as-heck Madea moments; but I understand the awesome task to which God has called my husband and me. He has entrusted us with the great responsibility to care for, nurture, protect, and mold him through discipline and setting the right example. And we will do those things to set him up for success in this life.

I want to hear from all the parents reading this. What was it like for you when you had to discipline your child for the first time? What advice can you give me or any others who need help with this?

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Going to Church Is Not Just About YOU

Posted on June 9, 2016 by

This post, inspired by my VBS students, is for all the parents out there, both married and single, who are working hard to take care of their kids financially but are missing out on another important element of raising children. Please read and share with someone you know who needs to hear this truth. It just may set them free.

These past few days I have bfamily at church.gifeen teaching a youth Vacation Bible School class consisting of children ages 7-10, and I must say that I’ve been amazed. I’m amazed at how excited these children are to learn more about the Lord. I’m amazed at how much they already know about His Word. I’m amazed at how boldly they testify about God blessing them. I’m amazed at the depth of the things they’ve prayed to God about–things that an adult may not even think to pray. Moments like these make me, as a new parent, grateful to be a part of a ministry that teaches the Word, not just Bible stories, and takes the salvation of our youth seriously. How did these youngsters become so deeply rooted in God’s Word? It’s quite simple, really. Their parents raised them in church.

I’ve come across quite a few people over the years, particularly men and single moms who have told me they don’t go to church because they have to work. Yes, you most certainly have to work to provide for your family. The Bible backs that up completely. But money ain’t everything, and when you are obedient to God He won’t let you go lacking. Get this, your biggest priority is to provide spiritual nourishment to your family by taking them to church on a consistent basis so they can be fed God’s Word. You don’t just feed them every now and then do you? How about just on holidays? Of course not. They would be malnourished, and you would be guilty of neglect if you did. Well, you can be just as guilty of neglect with God if you deprive your children of the spiritual nourishment and development that consistently being in God’s house provides. Hebrews 10:25 (GNT) says,

Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage one another all the more, since you see that the Day of the Lord is coming nearer.

In addition, taking your children to church is a part of the spiritual training that God commands, not suggests, that Christian parents do. Proverbs 22:6 says this…

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

A large part of training is practicing what you preach. In other words, it’s demonstrating to your children that what you are telling them to do is also important to you. I don’t know about you but I have trouble with people who require me to do something they are not willing to do themselves. Your children may feel the same way if all you do is send them to church while you do whatever it is you do until they get back. It sends the message that going to church isn’t important. They may be inclined to repeat that same pattern of behavior when they become parents. The bottom line, folks, is this. You are the ordained spiritual covering for your household as a parent, and God is holding you responsible for raising the next generation of righteous people. You cannot do that apart from His House. And yes, we are to foster a Word and worship atmosphere in our homes as well, but personal private worship should not replace corporate worship. It should compliment it.

My intent is not to be judgmental here. I am speaking from experience. Growing up, I didn’t go to church every Sunday. For years we only went on special occasions like Easter and New Year. Truthfully, dressing up for Easter is all I can really remember about church as a young child. I think I was about six or seven when my mom and I started going every Sunday. I don’t think we were regular Bible study goers until much later than that. So what’s my point? If I were to compare myself as a child to the children in my VBS class they would have run circles around me in church and in life because they have been blessed to be raised in the church, which has given them a strong foundation in the Word. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad for the foundation I did get, but I believe I would have been so much farther along in my faith walk if I had been taught faith from the very beginning.

So here are a few practical tips that will help you get to a place where consistent church attendance is possible.

  1. Change your work schedule if you can. If you have any control over your schedule, take church times off.  If you don’t have a say in the matter, pray about it. The good thing about having a divine connection with your Heavenly Father is that He hears your prayers. If you are praying according to His will (you going to church is His will), He will give you what you desire (1 John 5:15). You could just send them to church with someone else while you go to work or stay home to rest, but they need to see you worship God. One of my favorite quotes says “Children are great imitators, so give them something great to imitate.” You should want your children to imitate a good work ethic, but you should want even more for them to imitate a good worship ethic.
  2. Be persistent. If a hectic work schedule is not your issue, you have got to learn persistence when it comes to church attendance. Rainy weather is not a reason to miss church. Tiredness is not a reason to miss church. Hard times are not even a reason to miss church. Truth be told, we press for everything else we want to do–shopping, ball games, hair appointments, concerts, etc. etc. etc. As far as hard times and disappointments go, church is the best place you could be when you are going through. We find encouragement in the Word and strength from others of like faith in the sanctuary. Your children need this. YOU need this. Don’t let the minor setbacks of life keep you out of God’s house and out of fellowship with His people.
  3. Find a Word-based church. Not being able to find a church is no excuse either because there’s a church on every corner just about. BUT it is so uber important to find a church that is teaching the Word of God. In these days and times we don’t need to hear Bible stories. We need to hear truth that will prepare us for the daily spiritual battles we will face. If you don’t currently have a church like that pray that God will lead you where He wants to plant you. Yours and your children’s spiritual growth depends on it because the more you learn and grow the more you can instill in them.

So, regularly attending church is about you, but it is also about your children. Face it, being a parent requires much sacrifice. To whom much is given much is required. God blessed us when He gave us our children, and He is requiring that we give them the best possible care that we can physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

What are your thoughts? Can you attest to how regular church attendance has helped your family?

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Their Love. Our Love. His Love

Posted on April 24, 2016 by

Ok so I’m doing something different for Manifest Monday this week. I’ve invited guest blogger Esther Gaines, an awesome woman of God and host of 2aiming3arrows.com, to share some of her insight about aiming our arrows (children and family) towards God. So enjoy, leave your comments for her, and check out her website as well. Thanks, Esther, for your contribution!

Growing up, I don’t remember oEsther's blog picur family being very physically or verbally affectionate. As a mother now, it’s something I’m very intentional about doing. Even though it initially felt awkward (and still does sometimes), I push past how I feel and give them what I know they need. However, God has been showing me that I’m still lacking love in very simple interactions I have with my sons. I’ll tell my oldest “Good job!” on his cursive writing, but it’s AFTER I’ve pointed out two areas he can improve. I’ll tell our middle son “Awesome!” for picking up his toys without being asked AFTER I’ve pointed out the two Legos he missed. And RIGHT AFTER I say these things, God whispers to me “Esther… why?? Yeah, you’re saying it, but it’s a little backwards.” I DON’T KNOW, GOD! IT JUST CAME OUT THAT WAY! With all of this, when I just out-right fail to notice the good they do, I will inevitably find our oldest son going ABOVE AND BEYOND to help me with his baby brother or things around the house. He will also ask me to look at EVERY single flip or shot he makes. Our younger son will also ask me to look at EVERY SINGLE drawing he makes and Lego airplane he has designed. Show-N-Tell doesn’t have to be put on the calendar in these times; it will occur every 5 -10 minutes. And I think I know why…

My sons are deeply desiring my genuine attention. They want to know, by my responses AND actions, I care about what they care about. That I “see them” and will simply invite them into my whole heart’s world as much as they invite me into theirs.

They, as little boys, are just like us.

We were created to love AND be loved, specifically by God. So, how does this happen? How do we know love?

Our knowledge or how we “know” love is, by default, based on how we were loved by our parents or caretakers. Children whose parents/caretakers were physically affectionate, spoke many “I love yous”, or were shown adequate attention tend to become the same as parents. Children who experience the opposite or minimal exposure to such behaviors tend to operate in the same manner as parents too. What’s so fascinating about this is how it relates to not only our children but also the relationships we have in our lifetime. I see this in my own life, so maybe I’m the only one 😉

Based on how we were raised or how we have come to understand love, we often walk out the same patterns & ideas of love with our spouse, our children, our relatives, our friends, our church community members, our co-workers, etc. We will love them the same way we were loved and/or how we came to understand love.

We may love others deeply or we may love them distantly.

We may love others through their errors because OUR parents/caretakers loved us through our errors by surrounding their discipline of us with love.

We may love others UNTIL they do something wrong or something bad happens (or we wait and expect something bad to happen) because our parents/caretakers “seemed” to have loved us until we did something wrong or there was a divorce that happened (NOTE from self: the devil is a deceiver & often ALWAYS twists our emotions against facts unknown and known)

We may tolerate and not really love others because it seems our parents/caretakers “tolerated” and didn’t really “love” us.

We may even find ourselves loving people by doing things for them in hopes they will reciprocate the attention and concern we’re longing for or encouragement we need to hear (Rejection  Longing  Alternative means for attention)

Like I said, I truly believe and know from my own experience that we will often love others the same way we were loved and/or how we came to understand love… unless we are shown otherwise. Unless we are shown THE epitome of love. GOD in Christ Jesus because… He IS love. I John 4:8

Love which is present and deeper than our hearts.

Love that pursues us in our times of error and discipline.

Love that endures with us when the bad happens.

Love that doesn’t tolerate our mess but still chases us with honesty so we can be free.

Love which requires no work of ours to earn.

When we encounter this love and more from God, the way our parents/caretakers did or did not love us will be overshadowed by how much God loves and desires us, enabling our lives to be satisfied completely by Him. As we learn this, we MUST apply it to our hearts, forgive and share this great love by loving others the way GOD calls us to love, not by our own standards and tainted emotions.

“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation (appeasement) for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” I John 4:8-12

My sons were and still are deeply desiring my genuine attention. They want to know I “see them” and will invite them into my world as much as they invite me into theirs. As a mother, I must give my heart fully to God and receive HIS love so I can love them as much as He does.

But I’ll fail and never be able to love them as much as God does. That’s why, above all else, I have to aim my little boy arrows (and others) towards God in Christ Jesus. I pray daily they encounter and KNOW the love of their Heavenly Father whose love is flawless, unrelenting and ever-present because, at the end of the day, I will never be able to love them in ways that fulfill their needs and be shared righteously towards others.

However, GOD and His love ALWAYS will.

Psalm 127:gaines_photoshoot2015_24 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.” This verse changed Esther’s life as a mother, so she started blogging in 2014 to share the easy and challenging lessons of aiming God’s arrows in His direction.

Since her first job at 14 years old as an after-school care leader, a youth ministry leader in her 20s as well as a licensed middle school Language Arts teacher, one would think raising and aiming arrows was in Esther’s DNA – something she was naturally able to do. However, she has found that God knows us better than we know ourselves, knows exactly what we need to humble us and knows how to keep us at His feet. For her, it was not about the experience she had with children; it was coming to grips with the realities of motherhood. With seven years of marriage beginning as a newly-wed mom to now homeschooling two of three boys, Esther finds comedy in how God teaches her lessons through her sons, guides her with His word and grants her patience & mercy through His presence.

“As I blog about the lessons God is teaching me, it is my hope another mom or parent can be encouraged, laugh out loud and find the same strength I’ve found through my very ‘ugly-honest’ relationship with Jesus. Maybe I get put in awkward mommy situations because of my stubbornness and pride. Maybe it is to make an example out of me. Whatever the reason, I’m becoming grateful and trusting of God through my failures, praying other parents will do the same.”

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