Six Steps to Conquer Conflict in Your Marriage

On yesterday’s edition of Dating the Kingdom Way: The Marriage Series Russell and I discussed “Couples and Conflict.” Nobody likes conflict (well most people don’t), but it’s an inevitable part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. So we shared what we believe to be the best top six cures for conquering conflict in a marriage. Everybody has or will deal with conflict at some point in your relationship, so this post is for you. Enjoy!

 1. Keep God and prayer before you and in the midst of you. It’s so important to have a couples/family devotion time and an individual devotion time with the Lord. Those times together remind you that God is at the helm of y

our home and the center of your relationship. He is the glue that holds you two together and the healing balm that heals every dis-ease, so you have to make sure that the glue and balm are properly applied at all times and especially in moments of conflict. (Mark 1:34)

2. Know Who Your Enemy Is. Your spouse is not your enemy, Satan is and He is after the good thing that you have in your marriage, which was ordained by God. Remember that the enemy comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy, and your marriage is not exempt from his plan. He will do all he can to disrupt the pe


ace you have by exploiting the conflict you are having. Knowing at whom to aim your daggers (spiritual weapons) will make your fighting together more effective. (John 10:10, Ephesians

4.  Have Reasonable Expectations. Sometimes conflict comes from unreasonable expectations. Don’t get me wrong. We should have expectations for our spouses based on what the Bible instructs us to do as husband and wife, but not expectations based on what somebody else’s spouse does. When we start comparing our spouses to other people’s spouses it causes us to be frustrated and bitter about those unmet expectations and can cause our spouses to be resentful because they are not being appreciated for who they are–the person you married. Also, don’t forget to have expectations for yourself based on the Word. Focus on doing your part in the marriage and less on what your spouse isn’t doing. (Ephesians 5:22-31)


3. Surrender Your Right to Be Right. You both can’t always be right, no matter how hard you try, so make keeping the peace in your home the goal and not trying to be right. Sometimes even if you are right, you should submit to each other in order to keep the peace. That requires a denial of self, but since the two are one anyway it’s really about what’s best for family unit as a whole, not the individual parts who make up the family. (Ephesians 5:21)

5. Learn Your Spouse. Take the time to learn what your spouse likes and dislikes, so you can better please them. Continuing to do what you want to do despite what your spouse wants is definitely a seed bed for conflict. As a married couple we are expected to please each other. You’ve got to know what they like in order to please them. The time you spend now will save you some turmoil in the future. (1 Peter 3:7)

6. Tame Your Tongue. For goodness sake, keep angry words from coming out of your mouth. That may mean saying nothing at all until you’ve calmed down. It’s okay to be angry. It’s a normal, God-given, emotion, but it’s not okay to sin because you are angry. Cursing your spouse out may feel good, but it only adds fuel to the fire. Instead choose words that make for peace or like I said before choose a moment of silence for the time being. (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. We choose how we are going to handle the tough situations that arise in our marriages. Putting God first and realizing who is behind the conflict that you are experiencing will help you take the proper course of action so that you can withstand the tests. You have got to fight for your marriage, not against it with hurtful words and actions. If you do happen to be influenced to do those things, be quick to repent and cultivate the peace again. See your marriage for what it is, a blessing and treat it as such with care and respect. When both people are on the same page working together with that same mindset, God will be in the midst doing something amazing in your union.

My Marriage Is…

In relationships, conflict is inevitable. Therefore, it behooves the two people involved in the relationship to be ready when it happens. I believe that making positive, Word-inspired declarations over your relationship daily is key to being mentally and spiritually prepared when moments of conflict arise. Here are some words you can speak over your marriage, as I am speaking them over mine.

My marriage is purposeful.

My marriage is God-honoring.

My marriage is spiritually, emotionally, and physically fulfilling.

My marriage is edifying to us and others.

My marriage is a ministry.

My marriage is a powerful force against the Kingdom of darkness.

My marriage is Heaven sent.

My marriage is free of infidelity.

My marriage is unified.

My marriage is fortified by the Word of God.

My marriage is strong.

My marriage is until death do us part.

My marriage is a gift.

My marriage is a blessing.

My marriage is a positive example to others.

My marriage is supportive.

My marriage is a safe-haven.

My marriage is peaceful.

My marriage is fun and enjoyable.

My marriage is my priority.


What else can be added to this declaration regarding relationships?

Styled by Seduction or Sanctification?

I was once mistaken for a groupie back in the day. Hard to believe, right? I’m pretty conservative or modest in my appearance now, but as a young woman I intentionally wore outfits to draw attention from the opposite sex. That was until someone actually propositioned me for sex based on my appearance.


How dare he?! I was offended. I was appalled. Why would he think that I would give it up? Well, he was perverted in his thinking to make that assumption about me, but it wasn’t all on him. I suggested something to him with what I was or was not wearing. So today I ask the saints of God…what are your clothes saying to the people around you?

I know someone may be thinking, “Wait a minute now, don’t go messing with my clothes because ain’t nothing wrong with dressing sexy.”

True. There is nothing wrong with dressing sexy (revealing) in a setting that is meant to be sexy (ie. date night with the husband or in the privacy of your own home), but besides that we have to be mindful to keep it classy and sanctified. When I say sanctified I don’t mean skirts down to your ankles with turtlenecks in the summer. I mean dressing in a way that exudes godliness, not with the intent to enhance those lady lumps to the point of distraction for our brothers. (ie. boobs out, pants, dresses, and skirts so tight that nothing is left to the imagination.) I mean nothing.

Listen, I’m a skinny girl for the most part and I’ve been working out lately. The obliques are popping for sure, but do I wear mid-drift tops? No. Not because I can’t, but because I choose not to reveal my goodies to the world. That treat is for my husband’s eyes only. I know we love attention as women. Sure, it makes us feel good when a man compliments our figures, but we shouldn’t seek that kind of attention. Consider this quote from


“Immodest dress, flirtatious glances and seductive body language designed to attract male attention are just as ungodly as the lustful thoughts they provoke. When I stop seeing men as potential suitors and start seeing them as brothers in Christ, I won’t resent restrictions like the need to dress modestly; love will transform the way I dress, act and speak.”

Instead of subconsciously provoking men to lust after us, let’s consciously provoke them to love and to good works. (Hebrews 10:24)

Have any of you besides me ever transformed your dress to align with your Christian morals and values?