Tag Archive for relationships

Do Tell–A Guide to Determine When It’s Ok to Spill the Beans About Your Sexual Status

Have you ever told a guydecision that you were dating that you were either committed to a life of celibacy or plan to remain a virgin until marriage and the relationship took a turn for the worst? I was recently asked how I handled sharing my virgin status as a single woman with the men I dated. I thought it was a good question to explore and that some others may benefit from this discussion.

First of all, your decision to practice celibacy or to remain a virgin until marriage is a very honorable one and one of which to be proud. But let’s face it…not everyone you meet (men in particular) can handle knowing that intimate piece of information about you. Some men, as was the case for the young lady who posed the question, will think that you are issuing them a challenge and may try to see just how long you will hold fast to your convictions. Then once you give in, they’re out or once you prove that you are serious about your commitment and deny them the pleasure of enjoying your garden will be out. So how do you decide with whom to share it and when it is the right time? Here’s what I think.

You should only spill the beans on your sexual status when you’re at a point with the guy you’re dating that things are becoming more serious. If you only went out with him a few times and you are honestly not that into him, there’s no need to even delve into this conversation. I think it is important to wait until you can actually see a future with him. Everyone’s timetable is different on this. It may take a few days, weeks, or months to get to this place depending on the couple. So wait to see if you can sense if this guy is a keeper or not. Now, here’s where a deviation from this plan may occur. If the guy starts making sexual advances towards you, probably because he does not hold your same convictions, you may need to tell him sooner so that he won’t expect to go any further. If he bails on you or stops calling because of this then hold up two fingers and repeat after me, “Deuces!”. You don’t need him anyway.

Now I also think that the atmosphere in which you reveal your status is important. Waiting until after a late-night, romantic date when the slightest touch from your sweetie pie sends goosebumps up and down your spine, may not be the best time to tell him. You are both feeling less guarded in the “heat” of the moment; thus less prone to make rational, God-honoring decisions. A daytime stroll in the park or lunch date might make a safer atmosphere because hormones aren’t typically raging in a more neutral environment, and your date may receive this revelation a little better. Regardless to how he receives it though, it is worth discussing.

To sum this all up, it is a good idea to let the significant man in your life know where you stand. Of course you run the risk of him either valuing or not valuing your decision. So what if this news causes the relationship to take a turn for the worst? I would argue that it is actually a turn for the best because you now see the man’s character, and at the end of the day the person you really want to be pleased with your decisions is God. His opinion is the only one that matters, and in God’s eyes holiness is still right for all of His children–in a relationship or not.

These are just my thoughts. What do you think?

 

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To Find or To Be Found?–That is the Question

wifeIs finding a mate just on “The Man”, and does that mean it’s improper for a single woman to let a man know she’s interested? This was the question posed on the Single and Saved Radio Show recently, and here’s my response.

The scripture in question on this day’s talk was Proverbs 18:22, which says,

“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”

I can see how a woman would think that this scripture renders her passive and powerless in this whole dating process. It puts me in the mind of a scene in a romance novel where an unsuspecting woman sitting in a restaurant just minding her own business is being admired from afar by a guy searching for love. Then in the midst of his gaze their eyes meet. Flirty smiles and glances are exchanged, and then the guy makes his way over to her and says something charming like, “What is a beautiful woman like yourself doing sitting here all alone?” From there the rest is history. That’s the fantasy most women wish would happen, but I don’t think that’s the rule. And it’s definitely not how my love story began.

The way my husband and I met may not have fairy tale status, but I still believe that what we have is one of a kind. This may sound crazy, but my husband did not have me to think about before we met, not because he didn’t find me attractive, but because he didn’t want to be known as “that guy” who dated all the women in the church. So, I was actually interested in him first. But let me be clear on this. I DID NOT PURSUE HIM! All I did was express indirect interest in him, and he took it from there. Here’s how.

Russell had been going to my church for years, but I nor anybody else knew much about him because he only came on Sundays and vanished immediately after service was over. He never parlayed to enjoy the fellowship or to get to know anyone. Come to find out, he worked nights and a swing shift on top of that, which was why he never made it to Bible Study and why he didn’t have much time to hang around. Well, after some time I noticed that he was coming to church more often. He showed up at Bible study, Friday night services, and even a few events on Saturdays. Something had obviously changed, and it had. His job schedule shifted, which allowed him more time for ministry. Now, I wouldn’t say that I was attracted to him at the time, but I was now aware of his presence.

But that changed one fateful Friday night. I was singing with the praise and worship team when all of a sudden this guy walked in church with a fresh low hair cut, some jeans that fit quite nicely, and a t-shirt revealing some pretty chiseled arms. Honestly speaking, it took me straight out of worship. Is that Brother Whitaker? I asked myself, totally losing focus of the song. (Forgive me, Lord!) You see before this particular night, Russell sported an afro (which I wasn’t too fond of), and the only clothes I had ever seen him in were suits that hid his physique. Needless to say, this was a very pleasant surprise. Yet, I still maintained my distance.

A few weeks later, I had the pleasure of hearing him speak in tongues and genuinely praise God before others in a worship service. Okay, at that point I moved from noticing, to attraction, to intrigue. He’s faithful, fine, and filled? I thought. I wanted to know more, but I still maintained my distance. I thought long and hard about how I could get to know him without seeming too forward because I didn’t want to be seen as the type to chase a man. So, I prayed about it and I talked to the one person I knew could give me sound counsel on how to proceed, my Pastor. As soon as I mentioned wanting to get to know Russell, he thought it was a great idea! “But how do I get to know him without being so obvious?” I asked. I couldn’t believe what he said next.

“You just need someone to talk to him for you, and I’ll do it” he offered. My eyes shot back and forth, and my mouth dropped open in disbelief.

“Sir?” I asked, frightened and confused at the same time. “I’ll talk to him the next time I see him,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”

The next few days felt like an eternity. I was so nervous because I didn’t know what he was going to say to him and more importantly I didn’t know what Russell’s reaction would be. The moment finally came, and I kind of hoped that my Pastor would forget what he said he would do, but he didn’t. When I saw the two of them talking I ran and hid. Can you imagine a 28-year-old woman hiding from a man? I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that was me, but it was. If you thought that first week felt like eternity, then the week following their “talk” felt like eternity to the 10th power. Sunday rolled around again, and I did at least muster up enough nerve to speak to Russell, but that was the extent of the conversation that day. I was a little disappointed because I figured he wasn’t interested in me, but I was also relieved because at least I knew where I stood and could stop wondering and move on. Little did I know, Russell was using that time to muster up enough courage to approach me. After church the next Sunday this is what I heard.

“Sister Bre, can I talk to you?” He must have been listening to Jodeci before church.

“Okay,” I said, trying to remain calm and bracing myself for a “I just want to be friends” conversation. We proceeded to walk into the parking lot for a little privacy.

“You seem to be a really nice person, and I’d like to get to know you better,” he continued. “Can I take you out sometime?” Did he just ask me out? I thought. This is not how I thought this was going to turn out. Pastor must have really made him think.

“I think we can make that happen,” I responded slow enough not to seem anxious yet fast enough to still show interest. From there, we exchanged numbers and talked on the phone several times before we actually went on out. Our first date was actually about 2 or 3 weeks later because of our busy schedules, but ever since that first date we’ve been inseparable.

So to be more explicit on the issue of whether or not it’s okay for a woman to let a man know that she’s interested, I would say that it is perfectly okay to show interest as long as she uses discretion and leaves it at that. Once that man sees that she is available and willing to entertain him, the ball is in his court. How he chooses to proceed is up to him. Just to reiterate, I don’t think it is cool for women to pursue men. I just think it’s acceptable to help a brother out with some subtle clues. Guys don’t like rejection either, so clues from you can reassure him that his efforts to pursue you won’t be met with resistance.

I want to leave you with this little tidbit I found while digging into Proverbs 18:22 more deeply. The meaning of the word “findeth” or matsa’ in the Hebrew language is to come forth to, appear or exist, to attain, to occur, to meet or be present, cause to find out, or cause to find occasion. That sounds to me like an introduction or opportunity and not necessarily a scavenger hunt. My pastor simply caused Russell to find out about me, and I was available to be found out about. Think about how Adam met Eve. He did not search for her. She was presented to him by God. There was his opportunity standing right before him. Even Ruth took advantage of an opportunity (as instructed by her mother-in-law, Naomi) to be in Boaz’s presence by gleaning in His fields. That was not a chance encounter or one that Boaz went searching for either. There she was right before his eyes. The rest was up to him. Now, ladies, I am not suggesting here that you use your most cunning feminine wiles to create these situations where you are always in a particular man’s face. That is border-line stalking. I am suggesting that you use wisdom given by the Lord and simply be attractive (but not slutty), available (but not easy), and obvious (but not a stalker). If you do that and above all else trust your Heavenly Father, He will ensure that the encounter you do have with the man He has chosen for you will be one to remember.

 

If you agree with me and even if you don’t, let me here your opinion in the comment section below. I’d love to hear thoughts from the single ladies and the stories from married ladies about how you and your husband met, so let’s chat.

 

 

 

Choosing Treasure Over Trifles

trifles and treasuresIt breaks my heart when I see women settling for men who aren’t man enough to marry them. Many of these women are raising their children and putting up with nonsense on top of that. I guess it’s a burden that God put in my heart for the spiritual success of young women. Now, it is easy to sit here and point the finger at the men, blaming them for every child born out of wedlock and raised by a single mother, but the fact of the matter is they did not make those babies alone. A very consenting woman was involved in the process as well. Before you think that I am being judgmental, let me share with you that I am a product of that type of situation. I was raised by a single mother and as I understand it, she too put up with her share of foolishness from my father before I was born. Everyone makes mistakes, right? True. Which is why Jesus Christ, the Righteous, died for us.

I met a woman recently who when hearing about the subject of my book “Wait on God” asked me, “Why aren’t I married?” Now this particular young lady already has children with the man in her life and it would seem as if they have a happy family. Yet, she wonders why she’s not married. Of course, I cannot answer that question for her, but I can speculate that one reason is because she has not required that level of commitment in her relationship. Perhaps she has asked him about it or hinted at the subject a time or two, but she has not truly required that level of commitment to the point of putting her foot down, issuing an ultimatum, and sticking to it. Bottom line is…If you want better you have to do better. And doing better means NO MORE SETTLING!

NO MORE SETTLING for men with no character–to put it plainly, dishonest, untrustworthy, unreliable, irresponsible, and self-serving men. NO MORE SETTLING for not exercising godly character in your own life. NO MORE SETTLING for ungodly and spiritually unsatisfying relationships that focus only on the physical. NO MORE SETTLING for someone who puts you in compromising situations to accommodate his own selfish desires. My dear sister, the only things that need settling once and for all are your belief in God’s ability to bless you with the love you need and your belief that you are worth more than you’ve been allowing from the men in your life. Once you are convinced of your worth, it won’t be as difficult to resist mistreatment from anybody. God is not going to give you to someone who cannot see your worth and treat you accordingly.

To settle for less than God’s best for you is to agree with the enemy that you’re not worth the effort and that the sacrifice that Christ made for you was worthless. My God! That couldn’t be farther from the truth! To Christ, YOU ARE WORTH every nail that pierced his flesh, YOU ARE WORTH every thorn that pressed into his brow, YOU ARE WORTH every drop of blood that flowed from His veins, YOU were WORTH DYING FOR! Your abundant life of peace, blessing, and wholeness was worth every bit of His sacrifice as well. So why settle for a life of emotional lack in your romantic relationships when your life of abundance has already been purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ? Woman of God, I encourage you to begin if you haven’t or continue if you have already begun, to trust God for all of the good things He’s made available to you in His Word; for He is faithful that promised! Don’t settle for trifles when you are entitled to treasure!