Tag Archive for Marriage

Rise and G.R.I.N.D

sanctimommy-meme-18Picture it. You walk into your house after a long day at work. You realize that you are knee deep in housework: baskets full of dirty laundry, a sink full of dishes, and a tub in need of a scrub await you. Your husband asks, “What’s for dinner?” while your infant child cries to the top of his lungs for your attention. You have Bible study in an hour and have to prepare to teach your class. In the recess of your mind you think about the presentation you need to prepare for work in a few days and the brownies you promised to make for your friend’s baby shower this weekend. You desperately want a moment of solitude to just breathe right now, but the sound of the clock ticking away just won’t allow that. Does this sound familiar?

As a servant in the house of God, a wife, mother, a working professional, and entrepreneur it is all too familiar to me. Like many women, I have a lot on my plate. A LOT! I love what I do for the Lord, my family, the children I serve on my job, and the people who are inspired by my writing, but sometimes the load of it all can be quite overwhelming. Just thinking about all the things that I need to do can send me into crisis management mode where common everyday tasks that I know full well have to be done are a sudden emergency. The result is running around like a chicken with my head cut off, getting snippy with people who are really not the problem, and basically just trying to get my to-do list DONE which sometimes means the quality of the things on the list suffers. That is if I don’t make a plan for them.

Plan? Some people’s plan would involve eliminating a few things to avoid being so busy. Well there is nothing wrong with being busy as long as we’re busy with the right things. So my goal from day to day is not to figure out how I can get out of doing these things but to figure out how to develop a winning strategy to make completing them less stressful for me and those around me. Neglecting to do them is simply not an option. The people in my life depend on me. More importantly, the Lord depends on me. I’ve been given much and because of that much is required of me.

So, how can we as women manage our daily lives and responsibilities as virtuous women and avoid the dreaded cri
sis? I believe the answer is in this catchy phrase a very wise sister friend of mine shared with me–Rise and grind. This is part of her plan to stay on top of her game each day, and I think it will help us all too. Here’s what G.R.I.N.D. means to me.

  1. Get rid of excuses and just do it. Thinking of all the reasons why its hard to balance different parts of our life is a paralytic. Oftentimes thinking about all the things you need to do can lead to you doing nothing at all. Thinking about all it will take to reach your goal can lead to never reaching your goal. Instead of thinking yourself out of becoming a better person or taking care of your responsibilities, just start. Start small in bite sized pieces, but start somewhere. Consider this…starting small is better than not starting at all. If you never begin you’ll never win. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of the devil paralyzing me with self defeating thoughts before I even try to begin. Let’s move beyond his plot to steal the blessings God has in store for us by simply taking action-one faith building step at a time.
  2. Refuse to be idol (aka lazy). As I said before, be busy with the right things. There’s nothing wrong with being busy. The virtuous woman was busy and part of what made her virtuous is that she knew how to handle her bus-i-ness. We cannot be lazy and do this. We who have chosen to marry have also chosen to be wives. Virtuous wives don’t sit around watching reality television, taking two hour naps, or scrolling through social media all day. (Ouch!) There is just too much to do. We have the time to do everything that needs to be done, but it’s what we do with our time that matters. We all need to get up earlier like the virtuous woman. Help, Lord! Help me and my sisters to rebuke that snooze alarm and get our hips up in the morning so we can handle our business in Jesus’ name. Amen.
  3. Increase your productivity by decreasing your work load.                           I kcleaning schedulenow what you’re thinking…I thought this
    wasn’t about eliminating responsibilities. You’re right. It’s not. What I mean here is doing a little here and a little there so that you won’t get so overwhelmed by having to do everything all at once. One thing that has helped me with housework is a daily cleaning calendar (pictured to the right). When I use it (still working on being more consistent with it) it helps tremendously. I like it because it gives me a visual plan that I can follow each day with a backup plan and rest days already built in. Super helpful, super rewarding, and super encouraging! Try it.
  4. Never ignore the Holy Spirit. He has a knack for preparing us ahead of time for the future. How do you know the Holy Spirit is trying to tell you something. It’s an unction on the inside for me, a thought to do the right, beneficial thing that I often don’t feel like doing. The flesh is never going to tell you to do the right thing, so when I’m urged in that direction I know it’s God. For instance, once I had a big ministry project coming up, and I was procrastinating in getting it done because I was waiting on someone to give me specific directions before I got started. Wrong move. The closer we got to the event the more the little details began to pile up and the more stressed I became because time had almost run out. The Holy Spirit told me days ahead what I needed to do, but I ignored it, thinking that I had everything under control. The project was still completed, but boy could the process have been much smoother and less stressful had I listened to the still small voice on the inside of me. Remember, He promotes peace in our lives, so let’s allow Him to minister that peace by doing things His way.
  5. Depend on God. The just shall live by faith is an absolute truth. Every ounce of our lives have to be done by faith. The problem that we sometimes face is thinking that we can handle everything all by ourselves, never asking for any help. We can be good at everything we have to do and be magnificent multitaskers, but because we are so confident in ourselves we end up not doing them in faith. Being in faith means that we depend on God for everything and being prayerful in the process. Here’s a quote I found on thebusymom.com. “If you’re doing His work by His power, your marriage and family will thrive. God will not guide you where you cannot stand in His strength.”

Now I know there are some super moms and wives out there who have it together, so please share your strategies with the rest of us who need to do better. I look forward to gleaning from your experiences. Any other positive comments are welcome also. 🙂

What’s the Harm in Helping?

black-man-confusedThis past week I learned an important lesson that might have saved my marriage from some unnecessary stress. The lesson was that sometimes being helpful can cause more harm than good.

I had just dropped my son off at the babysitter’s house on my way to work and was headed out the door when he started whining. I figured he was hungry because I skipped his usual early morning feeding in the interest of time, knowing that he would be fed when he got there. Well, his grandmother and babysitter was preoccupied at the moment he began to whine, and I couldn’t just leave him like that (I know veteran moms would disagree). So I had a decision to make. I knew that I didn’t have much time to spare so my goal was to just tie him over until she could tend to him. I also figured that I would make it in time as long as I didn’t stop for my morning coffee on the way. I was torn because I wanted to do both. Surely taking care of my son was more important than coffee though, right?

Now let me just pause right here and say that coffee has become a close friend of mine since I became a mother. The night feedings, which result in broken sleep patterns and much tiredness throughout the day, introduced us to each other and I look forward to our daily meetings. Even though I stayed just long enough to momentarily satisfy my son, I still wanted my daily indulgence. So as I drove off, I figured out how I could still get my coffee by using a life line. I would phone a friend/coworker to pick it up for me.

I made the call, well actually I sent the text. I asked a male coworker if he would mind swinging by the Corner Pantry to pick up a cup of the warm and sweet energizer for me and I would pay him for it when he arrived. Being the nice guy that he, is he said it was fine even though he was planning to work in a different location that particular day. The Holy Spirit began to object to this kind gesture through an unction I felt immediately in my spirit.

It’s not right to ask him to come out of his way just to bring you some coffee, He offered.

My flesh answered back. “But he said doesn’t mind,” I thought out loud. “Besides, there’s no harm in a friend doing a friend a favor. AND I’m going to pay him back.”

But what would your husband say if he knew about it? And how would you feel if a woman went out of her way to bring him coffee? He reasoned with me.

That thing made me go hmmm. I really wanted that coffee, but I knew I wouldn’t like it if the tables were turned and deep down I felt like my hubby wouldn’t either. I put my flesh under and canceled the coffee.

Afterwards I called Russell to share what almost happened and the Holy Spirit’s leading was precisely right, not surprisingly. He in fact did not like the idea of another man, friend or not, doing me special favors, especially not for something as trifling as a cup of coffee. Now that I think about it that kind of reminds me of Esau, who sold his birthright (right to receive his father’s inheritance as the eldest son) for a bowl of soup (a temporary gratification to his flesh). How does this relate? Basically, had I insisted on making provision for my flesh and disregarded both the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and my husband’s feelings, I would be compromising the blessing and integrity of my marriage. I could have also caused harm in another area as well.

Mine and my coworker’s Christian character and the nature of our relationship, although very aboveboard, could come into question if others became aware of this favor. You know how folks do. They smile as if everything is all good, but on the inside or in the company of others they’re really making accusations and assumptions about you. Why give them a reason to do it? The Bible does teach us to abstain from all appearances of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and to not let our good be evil spoken of (Romans 14:16) for that reason. I didn’t want that for either of us.

Here are some points to consider as you and I endeavor to cultivate our godly marriages.

  1. Maintain proper boundaries when dealing with members of the opposite sex outside of you marriage. You have to think about more than just yourself here because it’s not about YOU anymore. It’s about Y’ALL. Rule of thumb…if any of your friendly relationships make your spouse uncomfortable then those relationships need tweaking. Your spouse should feel 100% secure about your friendships because you’ve given them every reason to feel secure with open and honest communication. You cannot control the actions or feelings of another person, but you most certainly can control your response to them especially if they are inappropriate. Make it absolutely positively clear that you love and respect your spouse and will not tolerate inappropriate behavior from them. If they don’t heed your words, you know what to do next. Abandon the friendship. You can always find new friends. The goal is to keep the spouse you have and keep him/her happy.
  2. Consult your spouse before making commitments to others, even if it is to help them in some way. Sometimes our friends ask us to do favors for them and in many cases these requests stem from legitimate needs. It’s fine to do them if they don’t interfere with what’s going on in your own home. To prevent confusion or resentment between you and your mate simply run these favors by him/her before you accept. It shows that you value them enough to consider how your decisions affect them (and they do because you are one). They may have already made plans for the family, and you don’t want to put your spouse on the back burner for a friend unless they agree to it. Remember, your number one priority and commitment is to your spouse, even if that means turning down a friend occasionally. As they say, “They’ll be aight!” If the friend cannot understand this, then they may not be a true friend anyway.

I am very fortunate that my husband is not the jealous, insecure type and I want to do all I can to keep it that way. So from now on I’ll be sure to make the most helpful choice and get my own coffee. 🙂

Now it’s your turn to respond. What are some other ways that our attempts to be helpful in our homes and families or to let someone else help us can cause harm to our relationships instead?

Working on “Us”

bookI’m about to share a very intimate moment that my husband and I had recently (with his permission of course). We started doing a book study on marriage together a few weeks ago to help reconnect us after having a new baby in the house. You parents know how a marriage can experience strain with the introduction of a child. The child gets most of the attention and well, spouses get very little from each other unless it is directly relating to the child. So we decided we needed to work on “us” again.

While studying one particular chapter on irreconcilable differences, I was reminded of how good a man my husband is and more importantly how godly he is. I admitted to him that at times in the past I have felt like he has put me on the back burner for other things like work and church. Of all the things I could complain about, there I was giving the man a hard time about two very important aspects of our lives. As I said it, I could hear how petty I sounded complaining about how he rushes out the door on his way to work (he has more than enough time to get there), which means that we don’t have time for the lingering goodbyes I’d prefer; and how adamant he is to get to church on time every Sunday that he doesn’t seem to mind if I miss breakfast in the process or leaving me behind to drive myself. Those things actually annoyed me until he shared some profound wisdom that made me feel extra foolish and extra proud to be his wife all at once.

“Being at church on time is important to me because I know that I need God’s help to take care of my family,” he said. “That’s where our blessings come from.”

It was simply put, but spoke volumes about his faith and the depths of his heart for me. His motivation is to be a provider for us, and he’s doing it by faith. As I’ve mentioned in Wait on God, I currently make more money than my husband does, but he is still a provider nonetheless. First and foremost, he is providing the spiritual covering that we need. As far as money goes, He knows that a job is just a resource, but God is THE source. He knows that the favor of God is worth more than any amount of money on a paycheck. He knows that he is accountable to God for the well-being of our family. He is standing on the promise that if we obey and serve Him we shall spend our days in prosperity and our years in pleasures, (Job 36:11) and that as the head of our family it starts with him. That also explained to me why he’s so determined to get to work early each day. He wants to insure that he honors God even on his job for the benefit of our family. And isn’t that what we want–a man who loves God more than he loves us, so that he can in fact love us the way the Father intends for us as wives to experience love according to Ephesians 5:25?

Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.

So married ladies (especially those of us who are heavily involved in ministry), take it from me. Before you give your husband a hard time about his spiritual and natural convictions that you don’t understand, consider how those things communicate his commitment to and his sacrifice for you and your family. You just might be like me and fall in love all over again.

I’d like to hear from you. How have you and your spouse stayed emotionally connected after having children? Please share!