Tag Archive for love

Protect Your Heart From Unavailable People

Posted on June 2, 2016 by

Today’s post isEmotionally Unavailable for single men and women. I ran across someone in this situation, so I thought I’d share my two cents in case someone else needs to hear it. I pray that it empowers you to protect a very vital and influential part of you–your heart.

Have you ever had something really important to tell someone and tried calling them, but got their voicemail? Instead of the familiar voice you were hoping to hear so you could get this urgent matter off your chest you hear this, “The person you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time.” Really?!!! It drives me bananas, especially if it’s my husband. What do I do? I keep calling and calling back, hoping that he will finally pick up, and the more I call the more frustrated I get. I begin to wonder, What could he possibly be doing that he can’t hear his phone ringing? I could be having a REAL emergency for all he knows. I’m really not, but the point is I need to talk. I’m feeling annoyed right now just thinking about it.

As frustrating as that might be, being involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable is ten times worst. I’ve been a victim of that too in the past, and I know how confusing and hurtful it can be. So in an effort to try and help a brother or a sister out I thought I’d share a few thoughts about how to handle it when you’re tempted to share your precious heart with an emotionally unavailable person.

First things first. What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? Jesus dealt with and ministered about this type of person in Matthew 15:8 when He said, “This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.” He recognized that the scribes and Pharisees had heart issues. On the outside they looked like they were with the program, but inwardly they lacked a true connection to Him. If they were properly connected they would feel what he felt. If they were properly connected, what was important to him would have been important to them. If they were properly connected they would be going in the same direction, not pulling away from you. Based on that account, I believe this sums it up. An emotionally unavailable person is only partially invested in your relationship. They’re only there to get what they can get out of you, and everything done is on their own terms with little to no regard for your feelings. This type of person is all about looking the part, but not actually interested in being a constant in your life. Jesus wasn’t tolerating this type of treatment from those who were supposed to be on His team and you shouldn’t be either.

Next, you need to know what to look for in an emotionally unavailable person. I don’t have 16 signs as stated in the picture, but I do have about three that I think are tell tale. Like to hear them? Here they go.

Your love interest may be emotionally unavailable if…

  1. They tell you they already have a “friend”, which in translation means “I’m in a relationship that’s complicated.” Don’t complicate things any further by leaving yourself open as an option, especially if this is a friend that for some reason you can’t meet. Pay attention to the red flag that is a’waving.
  2. They never take you out on dates. I said NEVER. The only time you see them is if you visit them at their house or they visit yours. What do you mean we’re not going out? It’s my birthday. You will do better to take yourself out, Hun.
  3. They tell you a lot of wonderful things, but they never back it up with actions. They feel like as long as they talk a good game, no commitment is necessary. Well, maybe the relationship isn’t either.

Lastly, here’s how you can protect yourself from emotionally unavailable people should you ever meet them.

GUARD YOUR HEART!!! 

Above all else, guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life. Proverbs 4:23

  1. Guard your heart by treading very lightly in the initial friendship stage. By any means necessary, don’t go in counting on having a serious relationship with this person in the future. I know this can be difficult, especially if this person seems to be all that you’ve prayed for. I get it. You feel that you are at the age and stage in life where you are ready to share your heart with that special someone, but WATCH AND WAIT. It’s for your good. We can waste so much time and have our emotions spinning out of control when we fantasize about a future with a currently aloof individual. It’s best to keep those expectations low. I’m not saying you should totally count them out as far as associates go, but if you can’t maintain neutral feelings for them as an associate, let it go. If it’s meant to be it will be without you having to force it.
  2. Since he or she is unavailable you should be also. Let the phone go to voicemail every now and then when they call. Turn down a visit occasionally even if you don’t have any plans. The last thing you want to do is make yourself available to someone who is not going to do the same for you. Don’t give too much of yourself, your time, or your innermost thoughts and feelings to them. Always keep it pretty light. Sharing too much with the wrong person can leave you very vulnerable and hurt in the end.
  3. And most importantly, set your affections on things above (of and relating to the Father) and not on things on the earth (an unavailable person). As the scripture says, if your affections are directed at someone or something, your decisions will follow suit.  So decide to keep your heart in the care of The One who is always available to you in every way–Jesus Christ. You can open yourself up to Him without fear, give Him your heart without reservation, and His love will protect you for eternity.

Now let’s talk. What are other ways to tell if someone is emotionally unavailable? What are other ways to protect ourselves from it?

No comments Posted in Dating, Relationship with Others

Their Love. Our Love. His Love

Posted on April 24, 2016 by

Ok so I’m doing something different for Manifest Monday this week. I’ve invited guest blogger Esther Gaines, an awesome woman of God and host of 2aiming3arrows.com, to share some of her insight about aiming our arrows (children and family) towards God. So enjoy, leave your comments for her, and check out her website as well. Thanks, Esther, for your contribution!

Growing up, I don’t remember oEsther's blog picur family being very physically or verbally affectionate. As a mother now, it’s something I’m very intentional about doing. Even though it initially felt awkward (and still does sometimes), I push past how I feel and give them what I know they need. However, God has been showing me that I’m still lacking love in very simple interactions I have with my sons. I’ll tell my oldest “Good job!” on his cursive writing, but it’s AFTER I’ve pointed out two areas he can improve. I’ll tell our middle son “Awesome!” for picking up his toys without being asked AFTER I’ve pointed out the two Legos he missed. And RIGHT AFTER I say these things, God whispers to me “Esther… why?? Yeah, you’re saying it, but it’s a little backwards.” I DON’T KNOW, GOD! IT JUST CAME OUT THAT WAY! With all of this, when I just out-right fail to notice the good they do, I will inevitably find our oldest son going ABOVE AND BEYOND to help me with his baby brother or things around the house. He will also ask me to look at EVERY single flip or shot he makes. Our younger son will also ask me to look at EVERY SINGLE drawing he makes and Lego airplane he has designed. Show-N-Tell doesn’t have to be put on the calendar in these times; it will occur every 5 -10 minutes. And I think I know why…

My sons are deeply desiring my genuine attention. They want to know, by my responses AND actions, I care about what they care about. That I “see them” and will simply invite them into my whole heart’s world as much as they invite me into theirs.

They, as little boys, are just like us.

We were created to love AND be loved, specifically by God. So, how does this happen? How do we know love?

Our knowledge or how we “know” love is, by default, based on how we were loved by our parents or caretakers. Children whose parents/caretakers were physically affectionate, spoke many “I love yous”, or were shown adequate attention tend to become the same as parents. Children who experience the opposite or minimal exposure to such behaviors tend to operate in the same manner as parents too. What’s so fascinating about this is how it relates to not only our children but also the relationships we have in our lifetime. I see this in my own life, so maybe I’m the only one 😉

Based on how we were raised or how we have come to understand love, we often walk out the same patterns & ideas of love with our spouse, our children, our relatives, our friends, our church community members, our co-workers, etc. We will love them the same way we were loved and/or how we came to understand love.

We may love others deeply or we may love them distantly.

We may love others through their errors because OUR parents/caretakers loved us through our errors by surrounding their discipline of us with love.

We may love others UNTIL they do something wrong or something bad happens (or we wait and expect something bad to happen) because our parents/caretakers “seemed” to have loved us until we did something wrong or there was a divorce that happened (NOTE from self: the devil is a deceiver & often ALWAYS twists our emotions against facts unknown and known)

We may tolerate and not really love others because it seems our parents/caretakers “tolerated” and didn’t really “love” us.

We may even find ourselves loving people by doing things for them in hopes they will reciprocate the attention and concern we’re longing for or encouragement we need to hear (Rejection  Longing  Alternative means for attention)

Like I said, I truly believe and know from my own experience that we will often love others the same way we were loved and/or how we came to understand love… unless we are shown otherwise. Unless we are shown THE epitome of love. GOD in Christ Jesus because… He IS love. I John 4:8

Love which is present and deeper than our hearts.

Love that pursues us in our times of error and discipline.

Love that endures with us when the bad happens.

Love that doesn’t tolerate our mess but still chases us with honesty so we can be free.

Love which requires no work of ours to earn.

When we encounter this love and more from God, the way our parents/caretakers did or did not love us will be overshadowed by how much God loves and desires us, enabling our lives to be satisfied completely by Him. As we learn this, we MUST apply it to our hearts, forgive and share this great love by loving others the way GOD calls us to love, not by our own standards and tainted emotions.

“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation (appeasement) for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” I John 4:8-12

My sons were and still are deeply desiring my genuine attention. They want to know I “see them” and will invite them into my world as much as they invite me into theirs. As a mother, I must give my heart fully to God and receive HIS love so I can love them as much as He does.

But I’ll fail and never be able to love them as much as God does. That’s why, above all else, I have to aim my little boy arrows (and others) towards God in Christ Jesus. I pray daily they encounter and KNOW the love of their Heavenly Father whose love is flawless, unrelenting and ever-present because, at the end of the day, I will never be able to love them in ways that fulfill their needs and be shared righteously towards others.

However, GOD and His love ALWAYS will.

Psalm 127:gaines_photoshoot2015_24 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.” This verse changed Esther’s life as a mother, so she started blogging in 2014 to share the easy and challenging lessons of aiming God’s arrows in His direction.

Since her first job at 14 years old as an after-school care leader, a youth ministry leader in her 20s as well as a licensed middle school Language Arts teacher, one would think raising and aiming arrows was in Esther’s DNA – something she was naturally able to do. However, she has found that God knows us better than we know ourselves, knows exactly what we need to humble us and knows how to keep us at His feet. For her, it was not about the experience she had with children; it was coming to grips with the realities of motherhood. With seven years of marriage beginning as a newly-wed mom to now homeschooling two of three boys, Esther finds comedy in how God teaches her lessons through her sons, guides her with His word and grants her patience & mercy through His presence.

“As I blog about the lessons God is teaching me, it is my hope another mom or parent can be encouraged, laugh out loud and find the same strength I’ve found through my very ‘ugly-honest’ relationship with Jesus. Maybe I get put in awkward mommy situations because of my stubbornness and pride. Maybe it is to make an example out of me. Whatever the reason, I’m becoming grateful and trusting of God through my failures, praying other parents will do the same.”

No comments Posted in Family

See Flaws as Opportunities Not Cop Outs

Posted on February 4, 2015 by

quoteIf someone you cared about told you that they loved you just the way you are-the good, the bad, and the ugly, your ups, downs and all arounds–EVERYTHING hands down, they’d probably be lying. No really, unconditional love is a supernatural trait that many people, Christians included, fall short of developing in some cases. Moreover, would you try to change anything or improve if they did tell you that? Probably not. Why fix what isn’t broken, right? Well, the match that sparked this flame of thought was Kierra Sheard’s new song Flaws.

I have mixed feelings about it. The lyrics suggest that God loves our imperfections and that the things we consider flaws are not flaws at all in God’s eyes. To Him, they make us beautiful. Now before you quit reading this and think that I’m missing the point, keep reading. I do agree that God made no mistakes when He made us because we’re made in His image, and I get that God has given us the gift of grace, which is unmerited favor that we did not and could not ever earn no matter how hard we tried. Period. His love for us is condition free and forever sealed by the blood of Jesus Christ. I would argue though that it’s not our flaws that He loves but it’s us that He loves in spite of our flaws.

Let’s apply this to natural relationships. I love my husband, Lord knows I do, but I do not love all of his ways, his habits, or the way he chooses to do some things. In the same token he doesn’t love all of mine either. But because neither one of us is our own anymore (we belong to each other through the covenant of marriage) we owe it to each other to work on the things that can possibly hinder our relationship. I’m not talking about the little things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things like forgetting to take the trash out on trash day, but those “big dogs” that can really tear up your marriage if not nipped in the bud (ie. bad spending habits, poor housekeeping skills, unfaithfulness-physically and/or emotionally, etc.) It is selfish to think that our spouses should accept us just as we are, flaws and all, and to make no effort to become a better, not flawless spouse.

Flaws come in two forms in my opinion: the ones that deal with our physical state and those that deal with the state of our character. When it comes to the darkened acne marks polka dotting my cheeks or my tendency to consume more chocolaty treats than fruits and veggies, God is good with that. BUT when it comes to what goes on inwardly at times, the things that no one but Him can see or the secret sins that are done when no one is looking, but creep out in the things we say and do, it’s not all good with Him. Those things affect more than just us. They affect those around us who look to our example. Walking around with a chip on my shoulder and offending everybody I meet, then passing it off as “just my personality” is not okay with Him nor is any sin in which we engage. As loving as God is, He is not okay with sin. It’s the spirit of the world that has perpetuated the idea that anything goes. But quite frankly, it does not. Thinking that it does can lead to a failure to see that anything is wrong and that change is necessary. Am I suggesting that change is something done independent of our loving Heavenly Father. Absolutely not. He (His Word) is our change agent. Without it, change would be impossible for the believer. I believe He has given us the grace to change–to grow more into the image of Him, not the grace to remain in the same sinful state that He delivered us from simply because by matter of free will and His unconditional love for us we can.

“What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?” Romans 6:1

What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Romans 6:15

It is foolish to use grace as an opportunity to sin. It is an abuse of the free gift. “Taking advantage” of His grace is a far cry from taking advantage of His grace. Let me explain. Taking advantage of His grace is like misusing a privilege. It’s the employee who leaves work early because they know the boss is not there. It’s the man who makes an unwanted sexual advance on a woman because she flirts with him and gives him the time of day. It’s the woman who shops incessantly because she has possession of the family credit card and all the balance statements too. On the other hand, “taking advantage” of His grace is accepting the free gift for its true purpose as God intended. It’s realizing you’re unrighteous and receiving the righteousness that Christ’s sacrifice provides. It’s realizing you’re unworthy and undeserving but receiving without apology the blessings that God’s goodness makes available. It’s realizing your imperfections yet allowing the transformative power of God to have its way in your life. Yes, we are flawed human beings and God loves us, but don’t allow flaws to be an excuse for mediocrity. Rather, let it be motivation for us to seek change and spiritual growth to ultimately glorify our Heavenly Father.

I’m not judgin’. I’m just sayin’.

No comments Posted in Relationship with God, Relationship with Others